Lies, Damned Lies and Indian Train Timetables.

Somebody once said its about the journey not the destination. As often as we've cursed that ignorant fool, after 3 weeks of travelling across this country and experiencing the full variety of locomotion known to the penny-pinching traveller, we thought it worth describing ground transport in India.

1. Train. India's proudest institution, employer of over a million people and the only way to grind out the miles from state to state. As if the noise and chaos of Indian train stations weren't confusing enough, the number of classes and train types will leave you spinning; express, mail and passenger trains; 1st class, 1st class a/c, 2nd class, 2nd class a/c, 2-tier sleeper, 3-tier sleeper, sleeper, air con chair car, 3rd class and baggage class. Predicting which is your train on which platform and then scrummaging down to get on and grab your reserved seat is the next challenge; people have been known to throw small children through the windows to claim seats! Average arrival time for a train - 3 1/2 hours late. Average number of cows which have to be shooed off the line as the train pulls into the station - two.


2. Bus. These are the last refuge for employment of sociopaths in India. The bus is in no circumstance to leave at the scheduled time, to have air con nor fans nor leg room space for creatures larger than a gibbon. There is no limit to the amount of passengers allowed on the bus, in fact the driver is paid per passenger, so the more the merrier. The driver is also fined for each minute that the bus is late. This results in the bus leaving late from the bus station as it has waited for the golden 500th passenger before departing, however the driver then drives like a loon (disregarding those passengers with a tenous grip on the door as their only method of staying on the bus) in order to reach his destination on time, or as few minutes late as possible. Makes for an interesting journey....



3. Taxi. The omnipresent yellow Ambassador (reincarnated from the Morris Oxford), still manufactured in Calcutta, is the dominant taxi in that city. Taximeters are not to work and drivers are in no circumstance to speak English, but this should not prevent communication and argument about fares. Lack of knowledge of street width, one-way systems and street names is desirable.


4. Auto-rickshaw. The tut-tut of Asia fame, this noisy 3-wheeler is the dominant form of taxi in most cities except Calcutta. Our most memorable journey was in Varanasi en route to the train station, for which we had allowed plenty of time in Friday night rush-hour traffic. The pilot, who had done the Indian equivalent of The London Knowledge, fancied himself a stunt driver from a Jackie Chan film and took us hurtling through the twisting back streets, careering across the main thoroughfares and in and out of the blaring traffic. We sat transfixed, both hands gripping the rail, being deafened by the blasting of the horn (the only "safety feature" needed on any Indian vehicle - working brakes are optional) which made his headlights dim... All we could see through the sliver of windscreen that was transparent was pedestrians desperately squashing themselves against walls in an attempt to become invisible, cycles wobbling to one side at the last minute, and the large brown backside of a sacred cow, which was very unceremoniously run over. Luckily no damage was done, the supposedly sacred ruminant merely looked confused and a bit offended.


5. Rickshaw.


a) Bicycle Rickshaws
A difficult one this. Rickshaw wallahs are among the poorest workers in the country and need a few rupees more than any other form of transport worker. However, anyone who can sit whilst an emaciated old man gets off his bicycle on the hills and pushes you up at a pace slower than your normal walking pace either has no conscience or fancies themselves a sahib/memsahib in Raj-era India. Or both.

b) Walking Rickshaws.
Ditto, only worse. More emaciated, poorer, older men, often not even wearing shoes. They can only take you short distances - conclusion, get off your arse and walk...

Rules of the road.
1. The largest vehicle has right of way.
2. Drive mostly on the left. Use of the middle and other side to avoid potholes is customary; where this could lead to collision with an oncoming vehicle, see Rule 1.
3. Circular road junctions are in no circumstances to be treated as roundabouts; for right of way, see rule 1.
4. Use of horn is mandatory on starting the engine and thereafter on encountering other vehicles, pedestrians, animals and all inanimate objects. Intimidation-by-horn can supercede Rule 1.
5. To quote our personal rickshaw driver in Agra (nickname Mr Toad - poop poop!), "in India, every side is right side".